It has been a long and often precarious journey as I have sought to find my place both in the world as well as in the cosmos. My path has lead me through many avenues and many dead ends, yet I never quit in continuing the journey and the quest for the answers, the position, the love, and the home that I seek. Many of these posts were previously released on my WordPress account but I've decided to make them available outside of that site as well. I hope you enjoy them.
In the process of healing and through some recent events that left me with a great bit of time to contemplate about what it is I want to pursue, I’ve found that I haven’t given myself enough opportunity to become the person I truly enjoy. I’ve spent so much time drowning myself in yet more and more addictions because it is not what I want life to be and seeking an escape that I’ve failed to offer myself the very things that would allow me to value what I’ve been given.(more…)
The darkness of the early morn covers me like a shroud. The prayer of my slow rhythmic breath is felt upon the skin of my folded hands, fingers interlaced and humbly I’m knelt in submission to the peace I so rarely know in the midst of my mental battles, yet drawn back during the moments of sanity I am graced with now. In this act my life is resurected once more. (more…)
Terror and fascination of the mind that illuminates the invisible and casts a shadow over reality is the toll demanded by the disease that refracts the spectrum of all I understand during my schizophrenic episodes; this last one, a two month journey through the looking-glass. (more…)
I have found that much of what I use to believe or call faith was just imagination. When I was younger and new to Christianity they told me to have faith and God would grant me that which I asked of him….then they would add, “as long as it isn’t selfish.” It took me years of frustrated blind ignorance to come to understand that everything is selfish when I’m not surrendered to someone or something greater than myself. Even my prayers for others would be selfish, or my service to the poor. It all stems from “I feel sympathy” or “I feel good when I do this for you, or others”. It all has a motivational basis within us that in some way or another ultimately comes back to what we get from the action. (more…)
This heaven will pass away and that which is above it will pass away. The dead are not alive and the living will not die. In the days when you ate what is dead, you made it alive. When you come into the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one, you became two. But when you have become two, what will you do?
There is a blessing that comes with those who endure the path of sorrow and tears. Those that bottle it up and won’t allow it to flow deny themselves this, unaware that it is in the depth of the soul when the heart longs for peace and is desperate for a gentle touch, a moments caress, the embrace of Love if only for a brief respite. (more…)
Home is my place of safety, security, where I dwell most and my source of meaning and purpose for all I am or endeavor to pursue. Here in this limited existence as a member of humanity I have had for most of my life a since that I wasn’t at home, that I was “a stranger in a strange land” and that home awaited my return at some distant unknown departure from this mortality. I have known I’m loved, as I am, completely and unconditionally for a long time now, only it was like I appreciated the intention and the sincerity of the gesture but since I had no obligation to keep I let it be just that, and went on with life as I understood it to be. It wasn’t until I sought to actively become the love I received for another that I truly began to change from what was a meaningless existence without purpose, or at least my “given” purpose for living….just the continued insistence of often well meaning others who tried to tell me what should be my meaning and purpose as they see it.
In learning to love unconditionally another soul, another person more than anything else in existence I finally came to understand the true meaning of the Christian cross, and what it means to daily pick up that cross and follow. I knew what I needed was to be like Jesus, not necessarily worship Jesus. I modeled my devotion for my beloved after his gospel example and found that to love this much means to love even in the face of rejection, revolution, hatred, and to the extent of the worst sins possible to imagine, it all has to be endured or the love is not true, just a conditional affection that can be lost if the standard isn’t met to satisfaction. In learning to love in this fashion, everything is sacrificed in the effort. Pride, ego, hopes, dreams, family, friends, faith, religious beliefs, and the expectation of ever being loved in return are all nailed to that cross if the love is true. That is what it means to love someone as Christ loves his Church, and that is how I came to know Love…through the daily dying of all that I was until Love saw in me the endurance required to entrust the soul of another into my care.
“Religion has lost sight of Jesus’ message…We aren’t focused on the great mystery. Rather religion has tended to create people who think they have God in their pockets, people with quick, easy glib answers. That is why so much of the West is understandably abandoning religion. People know the great mystery cannot be that simple and facile. If the great mystery is indeed the Great Mystery, it will lead us into paradox, into darkness, and into journeys that never cease. That is what prayer is about.” 