Monthly Archives: April 2012
I need to DREAM…
Sometimes I think of a girl….innocence I’ve only possessed in a dream. She is the pristine perfection of Life itself. When I talk to her my anger at being alive dissipates to nothing, when I spend time with her the world is beautiful. I’ve never held her hand. I’ve never touched her lips. I’ve never been more than just a “friend”. And to the best of my ability I’ve remained a true friend! It’s unreal, to some extint….because as if struck buy Cupid, I have no choice but to worship all that she is and dream of being there to see all she will become….and pray in some way, I’m allowed to help her reach her highest potential.
I say sometimes, yet I mean daily. I’m a romantic you see….I read the ancient stories of Eros and Psyche, and I know I love with such Passion. I read Beauty & the Beast, and believe, I’m destined to remain the Beast. These tales of love’s grandeur inspire me as well as depress me….I yearn for them to be true….and yet, experience is a potent and extremely absolute teacher….so though I have a Spirit that never gives up hope….I have the experience to conclude…I’m a fool!
So, because I accept the experience of reality, I create a place in my mind, where I’m important to her; where I matter; where I’m not someone that can ever be left aside, so that in my mind: unity, heaven, hope, and Love reciprocated are my reality. In this, I find solace, I find comfort! I prefer to Dream than to Live….because I have the power to make what is Good real in my dreams. I tolerate reality as one tolerates mosquitoes while camping….I take precautions but expect it to irritate me.
I can’t stand to look at me in the mirror. I’m not ugly, but I’m not valued! In a world where only diamonds are given to the Love of a Lifetime, I’m the lump of coal they burn to heat the engagement party. That’s what experience has taught me, but I will never lower my standards. If I’m not good enough for perfection, then I would rather die alone, than settle for something that provides what I need yet I don’t fall before in adoration. I’ve only ever met two that meet that standard… It’s not callousness. All paintings are produced by what the artist put into them….and some effect individuals more than others…I have my favorites…works of art that touch my soul, songs that speak to my pain or passion, and stories I never tire of their telling. The same is true of women. They are all special, and many are wonderful, a few are praise worthy, and two deserve the throne in my life…though both turned it down. There may come a third…but I find death preferable than the possibility of another rejection at that level of LOVE! I need to DREAM…now!
Value
I had a dream I was back in college, and me and others were watching Kiss & Motley Crue together on stage and having a great time. This young girl about half my age sat next to me and started to flirt, she was very pretty, and she kissed me, she started to climb in my lap and I stopped her. ”You not a toy,” I said…”the entertainment is the concert.”
“I thought all men liked sex.” she said.
“We do, but not all men use women for it. Some things should be more private and intimate.” I replied.
“How would a girl get you interested then.” she asked
“If you have respect for yourself then you will inspire suitors to have respect for you as well, if they don’t then their true character will show up, and you didn’t have to demean yourself to learn that. You are very pretty, demand to be treated how you deserve to be treated, and you do that by valuing yourself that way first.”
“You are not like other guys.”
“Thank you, I choose a different path, one that respects the deeper things in life, and allows me to enjoy the shallower things as well, as long as it doesn’t damage the deep things in the process.”
I share this dream because I’m often amazed that there are so many women who think the only way to attract a man is with sex, and I don’t know who is more to blame, because I find most men to have that same mentality, and I’m like, REALLY…that is what life is for you people, finding someone that helps you get off and then hoping you can build a lifetime out of it and blown the fuck away when it doesn’t work out.
I’m no prude…I enjoy sex, and for many years, as long as the women knew up front I wasn’t interested in any commitments then I thoroughly enjoyed that, but I found no matter how matter of factly I stated no commitment, most women just see sex differently then men, so I concluded, that it was wrong to hurt them in any way…because all women are beautiful, just most don’t know it, and when we men devalue them, it only damages the light within them, and thus the saga continues…..women use sex to lure the man in, we let them, because we want sex, and they get hurt, and we move on, then they devalue what they can expect from men, and we never really appreciate them for all they are….it’s an endless string of abuses.
I can’t control the rest of society, but I can control me. I respect myself! I want to attract a women that wants to be valued, but at the same time, I need her to be strong in areas I am weak. I know what I want, and what I need. I need to help a woman reach her potential, not someone that has given up on men and themselves. I can help women like that, but I couldn’t expect them to be my partner…I need someone just as willing to help me become all I can be as well, and who can leave the past behind them.
finding our center???
Did you ever breathe in a breath of air that didn’t feel like it belonged to you? To steal what isn’t ours? That is what I feel like when I write! I grab something that isn’t mine, and rip it from the Universe, and put to page. I try, I try, I try, not to be forceful, but sometimes, when I write, I can’t NOT be forceful…I have to HAVE these WORDS!!!! I need them, I need to convey what I’m feeling!
Sometimes, it’s just esoteric, other times, it’s just egocentric, but both are true. I miss, I want , I need, to be heard….is that understandable???? I do have a gift…for seeing things beyond the surface…I’m also at a dissability, I struggle to relate to people. I see what’s in people’s hearts…I see what they want to hide…I always SEE!!! I can’t stop it…but I know people are who they are meant to be as well…I see them with the Love of God….I don’t always like that….but I know the difference between what is what we want and what is what we need.
Living & Love
I’m preparing for the trip back to Oregon. I have a little yet to do as far as weening out my possessions to make the transition a little lighter! I’m staying with friends this weekend, who are very dear to my heart, even though much has transpired in the way of revelation of my illness, they have been true friends through it all. I’m fortunate to have friends who don’t turn away when life isn’t what we plan. Thank you, all of you…you know who you are, and I am humbled by your support and love you, each of you, to the depth of my soul! 
I am frustrated today! I would love to write about something eternal, something spiritual, something more awemonous than what I feel, but today, I’m depressed, and it has a lot to do with a little of a lot of things. I love to exercise, and I can’t; I love to hike, and I can’t; I love to swim, and I can’t; I’m in love but no one is in love with me. That is not to say that I’m not desired, I know I am, I just know that the desire towards me is built upon what others read when I write about how I feel towards women, and I can’t just turn that on and off like a switch for any woman who wants to be loved; I have to feel it, give myself to it, and then live that love the rest of my life, which is as costly as it seems.
I have this little voice in my head telling me the first two loves were to teach me how, and that another will be for me….but it is so painful to know, over and over, I’m not what they want, to try again seems STUPID! Yet, to give up on love and being loved, then what point is there in living?? That is what makes all of this BEAUTIFUL. All the struggle, all the trials, all the turmoil, for what, if not to become someone who can give all of themselves to another unconditionally…if that ain’t the meaning of LIFE then I will never know what it is. <3
Friendship…
Maturity I believe is the basis for friendships that last, but that isn’t how they always begin. Some of the best I’ve ever known, I made between the ages of 11 and 14…we were pals. There is a different between pals and friends, pals laugh, hang out, share good times, but friends carry each others burdens, not only walk with them but will carry them through the desert if the need requires. Friends will share last drop of water to keep the other alive. Friends, are the deepest commitment a sentient being can be with another, because a friend is more important than self.
That is one of my failings with facebook, see I use it not as a community of social networking as much as a way to build up friendships. I open up, and I expect a certain level of acceptance, so I’m very “picky” who gets to be a “FRIEND”.
I am the friend of someone, young, who has never really been exposed to what “friendship” truly requires. For her, I feel deep emotions. She does not feel the same. For friendship to continue, she has to be willing to share my pain. Why? Because I’m willing to go through the pain of watching her fall in love with another, continue to be her friend, and help that relationship succeed, because I love her unconditionally, meaning, there is nothing she can do to lose my love. Unfortunately, she has yet to discover, that to be my friend, means she also has to live with that pain, because we bare each others burdens…that is what friends do. It doesn’t mean she feels the same as me, it means she feels the weight of the cross I carry for her, and chooses to walk with me in it, even though she accepts that she will make a life for herself with another, someday.
I’m fortunate to have the many deep friendship I have. I’m also fortunate to have only have ever been in love twice, and I hope there isn’t a third. It’s my curse to only be attracted to those with the fortitude and demure nature to resist any advances from someone as opposite to them as me. Yet, though I live alone, though I die alone, I have friends with relationships that I believe will last forever…death can’t stop true Love, and friends are made by this very thing.
One of my favorite places…
PONDERING THE WORLD FROM THE HEAVENLY PLACES.
I know my time is very limited before my departure from Hawaii, on Monday. On my way to the East side to stay with friends in Hilo, I detoured from the saddle to traverse the peaks of Mauna Kea, and stroll at heights that allow me the unique vantage of quite literally being able to stand above the city of Gods, and ponder why they chose Mount Olympus (a mere 10k ft elevation).
Mauna Kea, means White Mountain in the native language of the Hawaiians, one of the only places to experience snow in this tropical paradise. The air is crisp today, and the cool temp has a strange dichotomy with the warmth of the tropical sun that warms the skin and scorches the rocks. It feels odd yet comforting, to be cold, and aware of an impending burn about to form on one’s bare chest. Given my disability, and the unique way I have at viewing life around me, I’m always attracted to duality in every experience in this life. To be above the world, above it’s problems, above the chaos, yet still a part of it all…there is so much to take in with each nuance of experience in this place above the Gods.
Today, I take my throne upon the White Mountain and write of Love and Gods, while feeling peace and balance with the universe both still above me and so much of my experience received from the realms below me. It’s been 3 years since I last sat upon this throne, and though I cherrish the memory, I’m far more inclined to leave this position today reaping the Wisdom of the moment far into the future than upon my last visitation.
My Mountain, my Throne, my Moment, I shall experience you again….
I’m so Goddamn HUNGRY!!! <3
This is my second experience of having my teeth wired shut….and after a week of soups, I’m freaking the FUCK out!!!
It seems when one is starving one can come up with amazing ideas. I’m thinking as soon as I can eat again, I’m heading to Portland to hange with Chris & Judy. I want to make an a grilled banquet. I’m envisioning for hors d’oeuvres: cream cheese stuffed jalepeños wrapped in bacon, Ritz crackers with a block of of cream cheese ladled over with shrimp cocktail, and sliced baguette tosted and topped with spread. For the salad there can only be Judy’s cucumber salad, it’s similar to a Greek salad is the best example I can come up with. For the main course, stuffed bell peppers and fish cabobs (cod, prawns, and scallops with peppers, onion, tomatoes and pineapple) I haven’t come up with a marinade to soak the seafood in yet but I’m thinking maybe olive oil, sea salt, pepper, lime juice and ???? need something else…hmmmmm).
I’m so Goddamn HUNGRY!!! <3
Spirituality
When I choose to believe in something or someone, I give all of myself to that belief. I have this friend, Chris, we met when I was 14 just before high school, and we became the best of friends. I don’t know if there is a limit to love, but I love this man beyond all of them, with the exception that we are both heterosexual, but at this degree of intimacy physical love is like shaking hands it’s so inconsequential; Chris and I don’t shake hands!
I can’t be religious, my life with God is too intimate! I understand why some people need religion, and to some degree it serves a purpose. I have a strong distaste for the hatred, wars, and bigotry that seem to generate as a bi-product of religions.
In my journey, I have embraced Evangelicalism through the Baptist religion, and Catholicism. I’m glad I did, I can see them from the most devout perspective because of my need to give myself to things, and as a result, I see there similarities much stronger than I see there differences, which has been the springboard for many wars and loss of life since Martin Luther.
I won’t assign myself to a religion, because they won’t let me assign myself to all of them, and I honestly believe that is the position of God. Do I believe in Christ, depends on your perspective? I believe he was man. I believe he was God. I believe in the unconditional Love he preached. I don’t believe I have to accept the doctrines of any religion to experience what he preached…so no, I don’t believe he had to rise from the dead, or born of a virgin, or that the phrase, “i stand for Jesus Christ” has any merit whatsoever. I won’t look down on those who need too, but I will not say I am one of them. I belong to no religion…I see Truth, I see Love, and I embrace these and the path they lead. I don’t choose to be a leader, but if someone asks I will answer. I don’t choose to be a follower, but if we are heading the same direction I will walk with them. Upon saying this, if Christ was born of a virgin and did rise from the dead I have no problem with that either. All I desire is to be like Him, seen in God’s eyes as someone who would love another unconditionally and say, “Don’t blame them, blame me; it’s my fault,” even if it wasn’t. That is genuine love, and I don’t believe we have to have that for everyone, if someone can love even ONE person more than themselves, then they at least to some degree understand the message Christ preached.
The mind of the Schitzo!
I’m surprised i can write, I’m in the middle of episode. I don’t know which is worse the fact that I’m lost in a delusion or I drank so much beer I’m having dt’s today without one (shakes, cold sweats, muscle tension). I’ve had a beer and I’m going to see if maintenance drinking takes care of it, if not then my delusion tells me my landlady is poisoning me with strychnine, lacing my coffee and ice cubes with a weed killer of some sort. I just happen to know that the symptoms for strychnine poisoning are very similar in affect, not that I’m use to being poisoned but strychnine is a common ingredient in LSD and if too much is used then facial muscle constriction and the above symptoms along with vomiting may occur.
If it truly is dt’s which a reasonable person should suspect, then a few beers should make it all go away.
So, last night I went through an all night “flip out” again…when it gets so bad I can’t stop it….I sit lotus style, hold tight to a pillow, rock back and forth, and pray for someone else….lately there is particular girl I pray for, I picture her smile and it calms me down….I was so scared last night. I hate admitting that, but I’ve been through this so many times, and I always go through it alone….sometimes I wish someone was here to talk me through it, but then again, it is hard enough for me to handle….too see the pain in the eyes of someone who cared for me cause they didn’t know what to do might just be too much for me to take.
About 1am my mom was online and I called her and she asked me questions about normal life shit, which helped distract me for awhile. After we hung up, I turned off the computer screen, inched through the darkness to my bed and sat there until the sun came up 5hours later, my mind never stopped and I never moved. There is some comfort in the darkness. When I came to the conclusion that my coffee was laced with poison, I got out of bed and had another cup! If someone has the audacity to murder me, I outta at least give them the opportunity to succeed. Sometimes, I hate being alive. This is how I confront my parnaia…..”you wanna FUCK WITH ME…BRING IT!!’
15 years ago, I was in a delusional state, being beaten baseball bats, tied up, stuffed in a sleeping bag, doused with kerosene and set on fire….I saw the flames leaping off my body, and felt the heat….a voice said “aren’t you gonna get up and run.” I yelled back, “fuck you! Let me cook!” Laid there until there could be no possible way I was still alive and the flames went away. Now I pray, and think of someone that stands before like the promise of Eden, only those who are CHOSEN as worthy may call her home. I live somewhere East of her it seems, I forget the name of the place…was it Wink’n, was it Blink’n, no, it was Nod. Back when I was ABLE to become something more I killed that part of me for whatever reason, maybe no reason at all, and I’m left bearing the mark of a CAINing, the mark of punishment, for the deeds I chose to pursue. Eden is real enough, but only what could have been for me, only what could have been.
My hands are still shaking, my knees are week…I sound like old Elvis song….I’m all shook up!
Dreams for the future….
It’s difficult being Schizophrenic, most likely bi-polar, and some dis-associative disorder as a result of trauma I’m only now beginning to open up about. I have dreams, but bringing them into reality is met by so many obstacles, yet I dare to hope someday I will accomplish such a victory as that.
I have three dreams I want to see become real: 1) The Love the One of a Lifetime. (I won’t be talking about this particular dream here). 2) To be a published and a successful writer, both in fiction and non-fiction. 3)To be a minister in a spiritual order that is not tied to any doctrine or religion.
A writer: Things fill my head all the time. The fiction I desire to write is born of the episodes I have lived through the maniacal abstracts of my schitzophrenic mind. I have a thousand storylines to tell, yet I can only write them in pieces because I’ve only lived them in pieces and the day varies so my muze varies from story to story…it takes forever to create a full picture and even longer to give it narration.
Then there is poetry…sometimes I come up with things that a brilliant, bringing in knowledge from philosophers long dead, history, romance, and religion….and then there are times I couldn’t write a line of verse for a million dollars because I’m depressed to the lulls of the Pacific Ocean.
I also desire to write about my Spiritual journey and use it as a guide to those have yet to embrace a true path. And again I am besieged by my own psychosis, to paranoid to write, too open to share, too closed to withhold what I only breathe in through my heart in the first place.
A minister: I can never be without the the fulfillment of #1, because only loving another do I become someone big enough to teach, and humble enough to learn.
I’m still dreaming….still dreaming…
My Name…….
For 33 years, I rebelled against society, two thirds of which with drugs and alcohol. I had severe metal issues I was facing unbeknownst to me at the time; I hated my life!! I was a single parent, their mother abandoned us and I couldn’t stay focused in school due to my fractured psyche. Everything I attempted to do seemed to be blocked. I know now it was the instability of a schizophrenic mind that sabotaged much of what I wanted to accomplish, but then I believed honestly the world wanted me dead, and I did too!
In prayer, with God, I found a new life, or at least the promise of ONE. In prayer, I was never known as Scott, but I was always Loved, and because Love dwelt with me and God is Love, I asked Love what I should change my name too, because I hated Scott…I still hate Scott, but as I would eventually come to learn, everything wasn’t his fault. We chose, Zion.
I always told people a partial truth, if they asked why I changed my name…I told them I left drugs behind, and I started a new life, I didn’t think they would understand that someone as vulgar and vain as I tend to be could be so deeply spiritual that I would make decisions based upon a faith they only tie to the religious, so I told them just enough to accept it, and I never told those who insist on calling me Scott, that is an insult to me every time they do…because I HATE that name!
A story I’ve never shared accept for maybe once, and the reader can choose to believe or NOT, it doesn’t matter to me, but here is how I settled upon never changing it back. I had been Zion for awhile, but it seemed I was going to be back among family and friends in Oregon after a stay of 3 years in Hawaii, and I was toying with the idea of changing my name back to Scott, even though I hate that name, and in a prayer at my desk, I asked Love, why do you call me Zion? I heard no answer, God always speaks to me in Silence, I asked Him to long ago, because I don’t trust my mind. After a long period of silence, I turned to get up and knocked my Bible to the floor, it fell open to Revelations and the ribbon that I didn’t have marking anything laid across the page like a pointer to this verse: “I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write on him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God…” My name is Zion…and that is what I expect to be called.
Marriage
About 10 years ago, I was doing a summer internship at a metal fabrication plant in Oregon, and one of my co-interns was “head-over-heals” in love for a girl he knew. We talked as we worked and he started asking me questions about life, love, relationships. …most, I let him answer himself, but then he came to me one day and asked, “how do you know when the love you feel for someone will last forever?”
I asked him, are you sure you want the answer to that? He replied, “I want to ask her to marry me, so yeah, I think I should know.” So we sat down, and I explained, a love that will last forever will know how to answer these questions to himself without reservation: if you two were married tomorrow, and that very day, you were involved in a car accident, you are fine, but she is completely paralyzed, unknown if she is aware, but able to breathe on her own, just needs a feeding tube and is awake: how do you handle this? Do you take care of her the rest of her life? Do you put her in a home? Do you try to move on ? do you stay by her side?
He went white…”I don’t know….does anybody?” Well, given divorce statistics, most don’t know how they would answer it either. Love only lasts forever, if most of your joy comes in loving her, not in being loved by her, because only one is dependent on you.
Two days later he came to me and said, “I’ve decided to wait on marriage a little longer, I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
If only most of us thought with such wisdom.
Journals
This is my first attempt at creating and maintaining a blog. I enjoy writing; I have kept various types of journals over the years, but i’ve never drafted, edited, and considered the presentation of those journals, at least, not until recent. I do keep a journal of love letters to a woman who has told me to bequeath them to her in my will, not to give them to her, which will be hard, they are some of the best words I’ve ever written, yet: se le vie. (I will serve her as she has directed in this matter). In those pages, I consider what I write very carefully, as I am aware the potency in the proclamations and the very devotion such words will dare to capture will no doubt affect her and the posterity of many more. Correct, I tend to be narcissistic, yet to keep a journal of letters faithfully until I die, without regard to the consequence of their never being desired speaks for the love that inspires them.
These blogs, however, I believe will be as eclectic as my desires in music, art, and movies…I have decided once per week I will write specifically on spiritual truths gleaned along my journey. Often I will write of the fanciful dance of the mind I have endured and reveled in through the episodic rhythms of schizophrenia, both in the current telling of my growth through paranoid circumstances and the labored pains of the past. The intention to share the joyful and boisterous anecdotes of of my boyhood and day to day life, and the grandiose cascade of emotions filled with sorrow and delight are within the scope of my vision…both have wrought wisdom for this heart.
So, my path now leads here, with the depth or shallows of a daily blog; I hope it is worth reading….at least as much as it is worth to write.
Wisdom Through Experience @ http://experiencewisdomnow.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com, ©2013
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