nsight
He who knows men is clever;
He who knows himself has insight.
He who conquers men has force;
He who conquers himself is truly strong.
~Lau Tsu
It is relatively easy to adopt ways of understanding people and the ways of the world, to learn to predict what others tend to do in certain circumstances. Yet cleverness and insight are not equal. (more…)
My Beloved,
My Beloved,
I’m thinking of you much during these tumultuous days of stress and pain. It has been so long since that first day I saw you. 
I was recently divorced,and questioning the beauty of love and whether my 10 years of failed commitment ever really had True Love in it at all. I was strolling from the gymnasium down the hall that led to a small chapel and our eyes met, and for the first time in all this Universe time ceased to exist and I lived 1000 lifetimes in the blink of an eye. The rapture of this emotion removed all doubt that Love did exist and (more…)
I was recently divorced,and questioning the beauty of love and whether my 10 years of failed commitment ever really had True Love in it at all. I was strolling from the gymnasium down the hall that led to a small chapel and our eyes met, and for the first time in all this Universe time ceased to exist and I lived 1000 lifetimes in the blink of an eye. The rapture of this emotion removed all doubt that Love did exist and (more…)Love Eternal
Sometimes my worst nights are followed by my greatest insights into myself and the Truths this Life presents to me. As I lay in the darkness, unable to sleep, but neither am I plagued with the mental attacks I wrote of yesterday, I am overwhelmed with the Truth that I am centered in Love and that Love is with me through the best of times and the worst of times, even when I lose sight of it. (more…)Night terrors
I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands. We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.
Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages. 
The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy (more…)
The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy (more…)Happiness
“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”
~ Dalai Lama
The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days. Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.
I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention. Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought. I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad. My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened. I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….
Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks. During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it. I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life. All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.
Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident. A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.
The Pond
There is a place for me to run and hide, it is cold and wet, but in the mist and the dark the yellow lights don’t pierce so bright and a shadow becomes an intimate friend. It exists still, but only I can visit, the mind’s eye knows the way and even as I describe it, the picture presented won’t be quite the same.
The moist night air is heavy upon my sweater and I had fallen a couple of times trying to get away. (more…)
Click-clack…Pow
Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow! To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!
So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee. It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason. The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat. Weird?? Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus. Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks. This is the life I live and that is that! I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.
“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.” ~ Dalai Lama I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane. 
I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.
I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.
I’m not pleased with my writing today. Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion. I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week. Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again. Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.
Wisdom Through Experience @ http://experiencewisdomnow.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com, ©2013
I recently reread this with this archive revival of 2012 to the expanded site here at google, and I added some correction to my overzealous opinion of my desire for "all time" comment.
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