Monthly Archives: May 2012
Losing No One.
Yesterday,
I was no one.
Today,
I became someone.
This Life is the Proof,
That I learned a Truth,
I found me while Losing No One.
…Poem by Zion
I don’t like to write commentary on my poems, I just let them speak to the reader.
Purpose
“No matter how ruined man and his world may seem to be, and no matter how terrible man’s despair may become, as long as he continues to be a man his very humanity continues to tell him that life has a meaning.” (Thomas Merton)
Sometimes it is difficult to see the beauty in things when all that we see is what is crushing down on us. Being someone that is prone to severe depression, I can relate first hand how it feels to feel desperate for understanding, starved for some meaning to what is happening, and left with nothing but the arid desolation of unanswered questions and the acrid taste of despair that seems to regurgitate from my own depths. It isn’t true, yet in the midst of the darkness, blind to the Light that might reveal that which is our salvation, Truth seems like the whim of a fairytale, and the wish made by a child with a coin in the well.
When I find myself in these times, the “just stay positive” motto is the greatest fucking lie I’ve ever heard. Yet, there is something I find to hold on to, at the core of my soul, the very seed of my existence, I know I am loved, and I know that I love another, her name is Sherri. I have met others that have held some of her virtue, but I must admit, I’ve never met another that when all is said and done, doesn’t stand in her shadow. In my despair, I remember this, because the understanding of this Love gives my life meaning, and if nothing else reveals the slightest bit of light, I die knowing I loved, and that gives my life meaning.
In the dark such faith is utterly small…the size of an atom, not even visible to the naked eye. The despair may pour over me like molasses, entombed in tar to feel as if to dwell forever as the remnant of a forgotten age, a forgotten life, a relic of a forgotten past. In such finality of doom there seems to reside no presence, and future is word never used. Yet before the Life of me is smothered by this shroud of emptiness and black I find I remember that one tiny seed that will never die, and I cling to it and Live.
I can write this now, because I’m not in that place, and that faith and Love burn bright and strong. The meaning of me fills and runs over, my soul can’t contain all the Light that I now know, because I nursed and fed from that small Love until time allowed the dawn to break again.
Many know of this dark place, for I know many have walked through it alone, and it is my hope and prayer that each of them find the meaning and purpose for themselves so that they can Live through that night that seems without end. <3
Alcoholics Anonymous
Today, I’m 11 days clean & sober! I’ve been attending AA, although I’ve had reservations about it. My major hang up beyond just not being comfortable in a group setting has been their 12 steps to recovery. Today, with the help of my therapist we went through that list one by one to see if we could adapt it more to my way of understanding both God and myself. I found this very enlightening. Like most of my therapists have told me, he pointed out how capable I am at understanding my situation and my mental disabilities. Then as we worked through the 12 steps it became apparent, that once again, I did everything backwards. Most people, quit drinking, then through AA they work the 12 steps to become a new person, sane and whole to the best of their ability. I, on the other hand, completed most all the steps on my own while I was still drinking, becoming someone I respect, love and most of all, have forgiven for anything I may have felt guilt over during the course of my life. All I need do now….is stop drinking!
Now that I realize that AA isn’t going to demand that I do all this crap over again, to satisfy their way of doing things and that I can use it for what I need I have a very different outlook on the program, and I am looking forward to my next meeting. I have chosen to attend meetings that happen around 6pm because that is when I would normally drink. I don’t need meetings in the morning, because I’m always content in the morning, I need them when I would normally start tying one on, which was every evening at the end of my day. I like being sober….I truly want to stay this way for the rest of this life.
Gospel of Thomas (v.1)
Jesus said, “Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death.”
This introductory saying to the Gospel of Thomas carries with it a promise; that promise combined with the word taste reminds me of the biblical story of Adam & Eve, another teaching that carried a promise as the result of understanding through taste. ”From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.” (Genesis 2: 16b-17) Let us take for granted these sayings are meant for us to ponder and understand Truth…I honestly don’t care if there was an Adam and Eve, if there was so be it, if not, so what! I’m not looking to build upon the theologies of Judeo/Christian religions nor argue apologetics in this discourse, I’m just mining Truth, and sifting for the precious gems of Wisdom to be found.
First I will delve into the Genesis account and then relate what I find to the teaching of Jesus. I notice that it is implied that Good & Evil already exist, but perhaps they are not segregated, meaning to begin to label one thing as Good and another thing as Evil is exactly what was forbidden, because the day that is given place in our lives, is the day the fear of being judged as one or the other becomes predominant in our thoughts. Hence, prior to this, there was no need for religion, because there was no fear of judgment, nor no need for a judge. The whole concept of God would of been different, perhaps just the way Jesus taught, for an unconditional love doesn’t discriminate between Good & Evil, because there is no condition that can ever be met to prevent that Love.
Since the understanding of Good & Evil, God remained out of reach, so life remained destined to be the product of what was done or not done, but as the absence of that Life came through the understanding of judgment and descrimination, so Life once again may be attained through the understanding that Love does not differentiate. The beloved disciple is accredited to have written these words: ”There is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears in not perfected in love.” (John 4:18) And one more quote from the Garden Story: ”The man and his wife hid themselves [because they were now afraid]….therefore the Lord God sent them out from the garden of Eden” (Genesis 3:8b, 23).
All of this comes to my mind as I ponder what it means to understand what Jesus is teaching, and I just had to share that. Life is a product of Love!
Out for a stroll
The sun is bright and perfect, ablaze upon the the blue canvas overhead. It is days like this that artists attempt to capture yet only the moment of reality does it true justice. The morning air is crisp as I journey on a brisk hour stride, at first more for exercise, only to be overwhelmed by the beauty my sences are inundated with along the way.
In vision alone I am captivated by the hues of greens, the flowing water isn’t clear but its amber tone is a marked contrrast to the the grassy shores that stretch along its channel. I take great pleasure in watching the ducks with their new hatch-lings swimming along the path I now traverse. They are soft and gentle , with fluffy yellow down and some are curious most hurry after momma in a small parade. The drakes sleep along the shore accustom to the passerby, or at least, not disturbed by my hurried presence, as I race to keep my heart rate up, while allowing the stings and strains of yesterday to slip off like soiled laundry and rinse myself anew in the warm delight of the present.
I inhale the scene surrounding me….hints of Fescue, fern, and pine. The sound of the water gently lapping at the shoreline, the screech of the bluejay soaring past, and silent presence that inflames my mind to think upon “While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.” Stirred from my mind the shadow of that creature floats about and disappears in the brightness of the sun.
As I return home the morning air has warmed and the sweatshirt I once donned is now tied about me like an ascot. There are more people than before each with smile, each with a pleasantry and a “good morning”. I almost feel a part of the pattern today, like I belong. Oh, if every stroll could incur such a moment of bliss as this, what a man I would be.
Philosophical imperfection and allegory for something more…
Foliage and dew fills the senses both sight and scent beckons the experience that autumn has once again acquired its foothold over the earth, pronouncing it’s warning of coldness and gloom to be endured in the next cycle of predestined tribulation…given the ominous name of Winter! The ground is a blanket of yellows, reds, and hues of orange, the mighty oaks summer shawl strewn across the forest floor, yet another years compost to replenish the Earth as it’s soiled stains degrade to the nutrient rich hearth of the seeds to be reborn in the image of the very ones that cast both seed and servants attire from themselves as if to epitomize the cruel nature of the world, to forget their year’s laborious grind of manufacturing light and water into the presence of their own progeny…now they want neither the offspring nor the gown they spun and wore to carry out their chore.
Birth, growth, proliferation, succession, and destruction are common threads throughout our known lives, in all it varied forms, from crustacean to mammalian. We find the verdant valleys of vines purposed with the task of providing casks of fermented fruits, the offspring stolen and crushed to attain that essence that defines the favored nectar in Olympian soirées, not sacrificed for grandeur but to satisfy the pallets of the ones choreographing the traditions that allowed the harvest of such sacrificial treasure.
This circular fascination of nature leaves all in this self-sustaining orchestration a perpetual path to imperfection. The death to rebirth only serves to filter us through another cycle of a random primordial recombination with the only real prophecy being we are destined to die prior to attaining that which would allow us to exit Barnum Big Top of so-called fun and once and for all evolve to a present that sustains itself not through space but through completion…perfection doesn’t degrade, so there is no need to produce…the perfect partition of the universe is outside of it. Only through the exorcism of ourselves from the time / space burden will the true value of what we are to be made manifest and made whole…indivisible and One.
An ancient love story….
Back when mortals still worshiped the pantheon of Gods a certain mortal girl was born to a King and a Queen, whom was more beautiful than any to have ever graced the world of men before. Aphrodite heard of this girl and became jealous of the mortal, for some had even dared to claim her to be more beautiful than the Goddess herself…so she argued with her son, Eros, to sneak in upon her as she slept and shoot her with one of his Golden Arrows causing her to fall in love with the first one she would see upon awaking in the morning. The Goddess would create and send the most hideous creature upon earth to be that one who would be seen by her when next she awoke.
Into her room the hand of the Goddess moves with invisible stealth….she stirs, and though she sees no one, she is staring straight into his eyes. Eros is captivated by her beauty, but remembers he’s here to serve his Mother and draws an arrow as she sits up straight. Startled…he lets the edge of the dart graze his own hand, and falls deeply in love with the woman before him. He will never be able to carry out his order to leave this girl to the whims of the Goddess that sent him.
In desperate thought he hatches a plan to speak to the oracles of the kingdom to tell her parents that she is destined for no mere mortal and that they should send her to the cliffs of despair to await the One who will claim her for himself. The parents are horrified but obliged to obey the will of the Gods, and so they tell their daughter to do the will of the Gods. Her strength matches only her beauty and she tells the townsfolk who wish to travel with her to leave her to her fate, and she begins the journey to the Mountain and the cliffs that reside there.
At the edge, standing above the sheer abyss of destiny, which should be obviously death she steps toward her fate in resolution of the final scene of this terrible comedy. The wind suddenly rises to embrace her and carry her to a sacred cave in the high regions of the Mountain. There she is adorn and prepared by servants for a royal wedding. In all this extasy and grandeur she finds herself expecting someone amazing, yet the oaths are to be sworn in the darkness, without her knowledge of the features of the One that has claimed her for his own.
In the weeks that follow she spends her days being served by the many mortals sent to tend to her every need. One night in the darkness after making love she asks her new lover if her family can come visit her. Eros arranges for her to travel each day to the base of the Mountain, carried by the wind to see her family who is allowed to set up camp there. Her two sisters are jealous!! They hate that this mere girl is given so much privilege while they must wait to be sought by another.
So they conspire to get her to end this camouflage saying he hides in darkness because his intentions are to do something deceitful, and you must know he feels this way about himself because he knows he is hideous and plans your demise. She listens to her sisters, and decides to carry a dagger and a lamp with her to bed that night. After they make love she raises the dagger and lights the lantern to strike what she is sure she will find to be a monster, but sleeping before her is the very winged God Eros himself, no one could mistake his appearance, and she knows she has failed him in trust or he would have allowed her to know this from the beginning….she runs from the cave but is stopped from acting out in Despair, she is gently lowered to the place of her families encampment.
Eros knows of her deceit, yet still loves her, and is desperate to protect her from those who would see her fail in this attempt for love enraptured with and as an immortal. He is hurt that she listened to others that brought this all about but he knows though trust is paramount it is not beyond forgiveness, and he loves her.
Meanwhile, the sisters secretly seek to offer themselves as the gift such a God should choose….the Wind refuses to catch them and they both fall to their death at the Cliffs of Despair.
Desperate to prove herself, she seeks the help of Demeter at his temple, performing a cleanliness task that is often neglected by his servants and though he is impressed, he refuses to offer any more help than to tell her to seek the blessing of Aphrodite. So, she heeds this advise and travels to the shrine of the Goddess to beseech her blessing and grant of her request to find Eros, the One who loves her above all others. Aphrodite is still begrudging this mortal for the praise she stole…mortals don’t deserve such attention as that of the Gods.
Aphrodite insists that this girl prove herself, and commands her to separate the sacks of grain & rice into equal stacks of amount, and gives her only an hour to do it. Eros, speaking to the ants in the field sends them to help her separate the grains and with this she succeeds in the first demand. The Goddess is upset with this outcome and gives another impossible task…seek out the sheep of Golden Veil, and gather their wool for a special gift to her lover. As Psyche approaches the field the river she must cross is inhabited by the river God, who stops her knowing the sheep are cursed to attack and kill all those who would seek to take their wool and advises Psyche to be patient and wait for the sheep to sleep in the shade of the trees over the hill. She accepted the advice and found she could gleen the wool without much effort and no malice directed at herself. She took the wool to Aphrodite only to find her furious at her success and once again sent her out on another impossible task. ”Go to the land of the dead and ask to receive some of the Beauty you have lost due to your unfaithfulness in not trusting my son.”
Pragmatic as she is, Psyche decided the best and fastest way to the land of the dead was to kill herself. Before she could do this grave deed the Wind spoke to her telling her of another way to enter the dead, along with the ways needed to pass the boundaries preventing entry into the land of the forsaken. Psyche followed the advice she received and traversed her way into Hades, passing the many traps meant to keep those who would seek the dead from attaining their goal. She retrieved her prize, a box given her by Persephone, and as she left that barren desert of the afterworld she decided she should apply this beauty to herself lest the Goddess keep her from it and she be no longer desired by her Champion. Upon opening the box, she discovered no beauty, rather she was claimed by a hellish darkness that caused her to sleep in continual Nightmare! Eros flew to her side and wiped the sleep from her eyes and kissed her with the breathe of Life and lifted her to the heavens to beseech the favor of Zeus, which God granted and allowed them to wed as immortals in the kingdom of the Gods. Aphrodite was commanded to dance for them at their wedding. They came together and gave birth to Voluptas the Goddess of Sensual Pleasure.
Wisdom Through Experience @ http://experiencewisdomnow.blogger.com posts belong to Zion Marion Amoure creator of IamZion.com, ©2013
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